There were two sides to my relationship with my father. One side strengthened me significantly and helped me to grow as a person; the other side caused me damage that affected me through my adult life, until I became more conscious of my own patterns. I would like to write about both sides.
I have fond recollections of my father and I have treasured memories of going for walks with him and spending some quality time with him as a small child. I really admired my father and so I wanted to take an interest in some of his interests, mainly in the hope that he would recognise and appreciate this and value me more.
My father always taught me to question everything in my reality and to expand my world through learning. He showed me that there were many things in the world to be endlessly curious of. This side to his parenting really worked for me and catalysed in me a life-long love of learning and exploration of knowledge that continues to this day. He also taught me to be conscious of my reality, a lesson that has helped me to become empowered as an adult.
What I yearned for with my father, what caused a hole in my heart, was the feeling that I could never become his equal. I wanted more than anything in the world to share more time with him as I got older, but also for him to see the best in me and to hold back on criticising my decisions in life. I also hoped over the years that I would one day be recognised and accepted for my achievements, that I could be seen in a positive way in his eyes.
I wanted more than anything for him to be proud of me. Whether my choices were positive or weren’t always perfect, I hoped to have his support in recognising that I was his daughter through all phases of life and that he would always love me unconditionally, for who I was and not within his frame of expectation.
Unfortunately, my father passed away when I was in my 20s and before I had the opportunity to heal our relationship and what had become a projected dynamic in my relationships with men. I have since had to work hard to heal the wound that remained in my heart of the relationship I desired with my father but could never have.
If I were to give advice to any father, it would be to allow your daughter the freedom to become her own woman. Remember how beautiful she was to you when you first laid eyes on her and hold that image dear in your heart in order to bring to mind that inherent perfection in her, the unique beauty of her very presence that always remain. If she makes errors in her path, support her when she is down in a way that trusts her enough to find the right way to move forward, in her own time. The most important thing is that you never lose faith in her. Nourish her development and remind her often of the qualities that you love about her that make her who she is.
Life is not always ideal. We can’t always have the people we want in our lives for the period of time that we desire and we don’t always have the time that we hope to spend with those we love. But I don’t think time is the most important factor. What is important is to make the time that you have become a cherished memory in the heart of your beloved daughter, for her to feel her development securely protected by your love and respect. Your daughter wants you to see her as equal and to know that no matter what, there’s a large piece of your heart that belongs in hers forever. ~ R.C. (Australia)