To the dads reading this, I applaud you, don’t give up. Really, I could end there.
What an honor to be part of such an incredible project. My perspective offered to you comes from a daughter who granted her father’s deathbed plea for forgiveness, and a mother standing in the gap for her daughters and their dad.
Oh the cliché that we, even unknowingly, marry our fathers. So, listen up dads, because this is bigger than your current struggles. You are shaping what she seeks and attracts in the man she will share her life with. You are molding how she sees her value in herself in the world. How you conduct yourself as a man becomes woven into the fiber of her being. You are, and will always be her first love. With that great honor, comes even bigger responsibility. Love her in such a way that it is what she expects nothing but the best for herself.
If I were sitting across from you right now, I would say I’m sorry for your hurt. I really am. Then I would tell you to humble yourself and be ready to do the work. Whatever got you to this place doesn’t matter, at least not to your daughter. Be mindful of the fact that she is hurting too, and that must be your priority.
Own your stuff, and don’t ask or expect her to make exceptions for your shortcomings. Allow her to see you as the flawed human that we all are, but more importantly, how to take responsibility for them. In doing so, you teach her how to accept her own mistakes, and feel safe to heed your advice when you give it. She doesn’t yet have the mental or emotional capability to separate what you tell her to do from what you do.
Find out her love language. This is a big one! Contrary to popular myths about teenage girls only wanting daddy’s credit card, what she wants most is your time and attention. Show interest in what excites her, or find a new hobby that only the two of you share. If you have a daughter who wants time with you, material things won’t fill its place. Even in small doses, your undivided attention goes a long way.
Love and see her for who she is. You must be willing to see her pain, even when it makes you uncomfortable. If she lashes out or shuts you out, it’s coming from the same place. She’s trying to get her attention. Listen to her actions more than her words. If she’s alienated you it’s for her own protection. That is her shield from any further hurt or disappointment you could cause her.
Your happiness in your new life is not her responsibility. This one is super sensitive, but you need to hear it. Imagine for a moment that your daughter is surrounded daily by what she perceives to be idealistic families. Hers is not. It is “broken” and by extension so is she. Dad gets a new home, new woman, new life and she now finds herself on the outside looking in. Despite your best efforts, that is how she feels. She wants you to be happy, she really does, but not at her own expense. Handle her feelings delicately, reassure her, and demand that any new person in your life respect her, and she will act in kind.
Show up, consistently every single time. Be there for games, recitals, teacher conferences and birthday parties. You can get off work, you know it and so does she. Don’t use work as an excuse for missing her things if you don’t also use it for missing your own. Even if she tells you not to come, she’s looking to see if you showed up anyway.
Continue to parent with her mom, honor the same values that you both wanted for her when you were still married. Respect her enough to value that your ex-wife is still her mother. In full disclosure, we moms are hurting too, and we don’t always act our best either. But what I can tell you with absolute certainty that you and her mom coming together for her will go so far in rebuilding her trust in you. ~Anonymous