My parents divorced when I was around the age of 8, my mother moved us from Texas to Florida, giving my Father visitation during the summers. My Mother did everything she could to portray him as a terrible Father who loved us but didn’t really care enough to do anything. Looking back now, she contradicted herself most often trying to make it look like she wasn’t speaking poorly of him to us, though doing just that frequently.
Nothing my mother would have done or said could have turned me against my Father. I loved him and all I wanted from him was his attention and affection. I so wanted him to prove her wrong because I never wanted to believe she was right. Every time He did call, I always felt inside... "Ha, see He does love me or He wouldn’t of called." The problem was He didn’t call enough or make enough effort to be a part of my life.
My Father had/has the income to fly to see me frequently as well as fly me up to Him. He didn’t. My Father has the ability to write letters, send cards and small gifts or even a picture... something to let me know he was thinking of me. He didn’t. My Father had/has access to phones at home as well as work and could have called me every day or night. He didn’t. Later in life He explained to me how difficult my mother made it for Him to contact us and visit us. As an adult, I realize that was His choice, and ultimately the effort on His behalf would have made a monumental difference for me in my life. While I know that my Father loves me, He never really showed it and made excuses why he couldn’t do this or that to be a part of my life. Unfortunately, today nothing has changed and this time my mother is nowhere in the picture to make things difficult for Him.
When I was younger and my mother persisted in her ranting of my Father, she penetrated doubt in my mind. I began to wonder if she was right and the feelings of not feeling loved or cared for by my Father festered. All it took was a phone call to erase all the damage she had done. She would actually get mad because after that He was the hero in my eyes once again. I won’t bother to go into detail of what was said, I’m sure you can figure it out. It didn’t matter, He called and He loved me! What I needed was reinforced by a brief phone call and I was happy once again. However again far too much time passed in-between calls, and with my mother’s negative input, doubt continued to grow.
As the years passed the effects of how I felt led to feelings of insecurity and not feeling worthy of being loved. I found myself seeking attention from boys, though unbelievably shy I always waited for their approach. To this day I question genuine interest, never understanding why my own Father didn’t care and or love me enough so why would anyone else. I have done a lot of work on myself and love myself and who I am today, but there is always this underlying insecurity that just doesn’t seem to go away.
The point I want to make is: Your actions as a Father directly affect your daughter for the rest of her life. I want Fathers everywhere to understand, divorced or not it doesn’t matter. Children don’t prefer to live in a volatile home, they want their parents happy. You have many options to stay connected with your daughters now... it’s quite simple... just do it! No matter what obstacles may arise always make the effort because someday you will have the opportunity to explain your perception and show your little girl you really were there and tried...never giving up on her. That, Fathers reading this...... will make THE DIFFERENCE. ~ j.O.M. (Florida)