I saw your post about your project. Thank you! This is an awesome idea!!! I have lots to say to the men I know are good fathers, who love their children, whether they live with them full time or not. As a woman who essentially grew up without a father and who, as a teacher, has had many students with divorced parents, I have lots of suggestions.
First and foremost, do not ever, EVER put your child in a position where they feel torn between the two. Do not use them to send messages back and forth, do not ever make them feel like they have to choose, or are being disloyal to one parent by loving the other. Believe me, this is the worst feeling in the world. A child in this position literally feels as if they are literally being torn apart, as if they are in a tug of war. I often was physically ill. It is a feeling almost impossible to describe, except to say that even many years later thinking about it, I still get that sick feeling in my stomach.
Try to be at all school events. If necessary, schedule separate meetings with teachers, and ask for two copies of all emails, report cards, or notifications. Most teachers will be happy to do this. School is a huge part of her life. She needs to know you care about it. It means you care about her! It also is an important way to keep connected to her.
Make them feel like they are at home in your home. Provide them with their space, that is JUST their space. Make sure they have everything they need, for school and play. Do not allow them to feel like a visitor. From personal experience, what a child in this situation wants and needs more than anything is stability and security. They want and need to know that they are an essential part of your life, especially if they are only with you sometimes. Feeling like you are being "squeezed in" makes you feel like you are not wanted.
And that means "being" with them, even when you can't be. Email, text, FaceTime.... we didn't have anything like these when I was a kid. Use them. Hear about your child's day, every day, and keep "in the loop." And tell them about your day. Every day. Just like you would if you were there. Text pictures, send videos, and encourage her to do the same. Be a constant presence, in whatever way you can be.
I have several memories of when my father let me down, and very few good memories. The one I do have is the one time he told me he loved me. Do that. Constantly. Even if it feels you are not getting the response you wish for. Keep saying it. Keep showing it. It means more than you will ever know. Whatever you do, if you tell them you will do something or be somewhere, DO IT. Without exception. Make sure they know that you are their rock, the person they can depend on, no matter what. It is harder when you can't be there all the time, but do not ever stop. She NEEDS you. You deserve each other.
Thank you for this chance. I have always felt lucky in a way. After the age of 12, I no longer had to worry about being pulled apart. I did not have to shuttle between two homes, as some of my friends did. Some of what my kids have dealt with, being a pawn of both parents, has broken my heart. ~ anonymous (Virginia)